Sunday, August 23, 2009
Look what I've grown
First off, I want to thank all of you out there that have patiently been checking for updates on my blog...that means so much. I have been reading all of yours weekly, and I love every minute of it. I thought my first blog would be of a very emotional journey I have been on, Weaning! My beautiful daughter is 27 months old and is so full of energy and spunk. She can brighten up the dullest of rooms or people, not that I know anyone dull!!! She is growing and learning. just the other day she repeated me by saying"My Bibo"...do you know what she said?? In case you didn't figure it out, it was :My Bible". I was so thrilled. Being that both mean so much to me I instantly started crying. These days my emotions are all over the place. Now, I understand that we women are an emotional being, & I thank God for that. However, when you are put in a place to make a serious decision about the lifestyle you have created, it makes it even harder. I have nursed my daughter from the second I met her. Now, by that I mean I loved, cared, nurtured, and yes fed her. Now there was never any doubt in my mind that I would not breastfeed my children. The gift of being able to grow a person in my womb and then continue to nourish them when they are born is Amazing! Breastfeeding came natural for both Z and I. I longed for those special moments together when we both needed it. How it would calm me down and remember to pause at the beautiful things around me. The connection that a mother that is breastfeeding a baby is so strong, and I would not trade it for anything. With that being said, things begin to take a different momentum. Once Z began getting more independent, her feedings decrease. However, we still had many times in the night where we would meet and spend that special time together. This never ended. I was so happy that she was eating food and able to go longer between nursing. But soon it became less, and less. Now, she never stopped & I was so relieved. I enjoyed this bond so much, it would break my heart for her to stop. Jumping ahead to this past February. Things began to become, well I hate to say it, annoying. She was not sleeping through the night still. Wanting to nurse all the time, whenever she wanted. I did nurse her on demand, unfortunately it became very tiresome. With her up several times a night & us being sleep deprived, the question my husband began saying was" Don't you think it is time to wean her?". Hmm, how dare he say that! How insensitive! What does he know. Of course it's not time to wean. I was so angry he would even propose this. So things went on the way they were until.... Ouch! I had to have an emergency appendectomy on July 2. In the hospital all I could think about was getting relief. After my surgery, and very medicated I began to think of Z. Wait I need to nurse her and I am in the hospital on narcotics...Yikes After speaking to my sister and deciding with the advice of a Lactation Consultant, I can nurse her at certain times during the day, even on the drugs. Solved! Right? Wrong! My husband encouraged me that this was a golden opportunity to wean her. My sister was visiting, so she would be distracted. I was hurting and really couldn't nurse her. What to do.... After a long night of crying and debating, I decided this was God giving me a shove. I don't think I would have weaned her anytime soon. Now, not because "she needs it", but because, I need it! I was more attached than her at this point. Wow, that is really the first time I have said that without breaking into tears! She was ready, and I wasn't. How will it work? Will she freak out and cry? Will I be so sore that I have to nurse her to relieve the pain? Will she think I don't love her anymore?
Well, it worked just fine. Actually it went better than expected. She never freaked out. To be honest, she only asked to nurse like twice in 2 days. I was never once sore. The Thought of me not loving her never crossed her mind, of course I love her. In fact it was so easy for her, it made it harder for me. For weeks I was just a downright basket case. I would cry every time I laid down with her to put her to sleep. I was overwhelmed with emotions I never thought I had! This was tearing me apart. How could I do this to her " myself?" She "I" will never survive. All I know is this was so tough. God was really testing me!
Well, it's been almost two months of breastfeeding free! We are doing just fine!
I will always remember when she nestled up against my breast and nursed for the first time...tears! When she needed comforted and nursing is what pacified it! When she would look up at me and smile with milk dripping from her mouth, whew! Okay, I am totally crying now. With these memories and the hundreds more, I can embrace the changes that we go through.
Thanks for letting me share this personal journey with you, whoever you are!